WhaHappen?

Two months ago I met a new Train Buddy on the ride home from downtown L.A. Hereafter, he shall be referred to as “TB.” TB and I hit it off from the get-go and engaged in daily animated conversations. I even relinquished my ritual train nap for a chance to giggle and guffaw. Then –
IT STARTED.

Periodically throughout our boisterous chatting, I’d notice the funky, heavy waft of a late lunch a la farte. At first, I wasn’t really sure it was emanating from the rump of my seatmate TB. But eventually, it became a regular noxious nuisance.

And I never actually heard it, but like a putrid poltergeist, I certainly smelt-felt its presence. Looking back, I now suspect that TB coincided his farting to the deafening “choo choo” of the locomotive in order to mask the sound.

Anyway, I would be sitting there telling TB a story and then the choking odor…would…overwhelm (coughing and wincing)…my words. I couldn’t just ignore it. I could feel my throat spasm as I spoke and my face contorting, morphing into Donald Rumsfeld expressions:

And this was weapons-grade fart power that even Rumsfeld would be proud of.

So as I’m talking to TB, I’m afraid to fully exhale because I know that I’d eventually have to INHALE without my scuba tank. Do you think TB would have been offended if he looked over at me and saw me suddenly wearing this? :

There I am sitting paralyzed on the train, praying for oxygen masks to drop down from the ceiling. I knew at that point that this friendship was never going to survive.

So with watery eyes and a tiny bit of regret, I bid adieu to my friendship with TB. I now hide in another train car.

The lesson is this: Guys – Keep your safety switch on. If you’re feeling gassy before you talk to women, at least clear the one in the chamber first. Dry-fire a few times if you must. But PLEASE don’t subject women to your farts. Your SPOUSE – fine. Because I think that’s actually in the marriage vows, “In good smells and bad, til death do us fart.”

And now for your listening pleasure…some classic Lynyrd Skynyrd: That Smell.