WhaHappen?

A few weeks ago I offered 5 ways to shed the Geezer in you. Here’s 8 more to help you through the new year. It’s a strange phenomenon that as we get older, time speeds up. Each new year zips by faster than the last. So we need to actually work on not getting old. We can’t just assume that a youthful attitude is going to take care of the process. So here are some additional fogey-fighting techniques:

1) Hang with funny, goofy people. This seems like a no-brainer for naturally staying young, but think about it. How many people do you regularly talk to and spend valuable time with who can keep things hilarious, including their problems and setbacks? Hopefully you’d say mostly everyone. But I suspect that there are some people who are negative and petty who’ve infiltrated your orbit in the workforce. I say this mainly because:

a) I have also worked with/worked for/supervised some of those people.

b) based on all the whiny advice column question-askers who write in to complain about their neighbors, their relatives, and co-workers – these fools are all over America. I got their answer: Get Over It. In the time it would take for someone to write out a letter and send it to Dear Advice Lady, that person could have just taken a deep breath and said, “Ain’t no thing but a chicken wing.” (See Urban Dictionary definition here.) So this first tactic goes hand in hand with the next…

2. Stay away from doomsayers, gossipers, and angry folks. Okay, everyone’s entitled to vent occasionally (the keyword being “occasionally”). Or else we’d be a world of wussy pollyannas. which would make anyone want to go on a killing spree. I’m talking about those obnoxious people who try to stir up trouble, bullies, and dream-killers. Maybe unfortunately you know a few who are stuck in these modes. Your time and energy are valuable, limited resources. Don’t fritter it away for people who’ll siphon the soul out of you.

3. To further emphasize my point about cloaking yourself against the bad juju, Quit watching the news. Well, at least modify your news-watching by checking in only at the top of the news (the first 5 minutes). That’s all you need to get a glimpse of what’s happening in the world. Newscasts employ a predictable format where they go from:

• Breaking News-type stories – usually a police pursuit, traffic collision that’s tying up the commute home, small earthquake, protest, or a building, hillside, or car on fire. You know what I consider breaking news? A PERSON on fire – preferably someone I can’t stand.
• Then they move on to Important Stuff That Happened Earlier in the Day That Hasn’t Yet Been Upstaged by Breaking News. These are the typical stories about robberies or pervert teachers in the community. This is the point where I shut off the TV. Otherwise, I irritate my husband when I yell out things, like “I will beat down somebody’s ass before I let them rob me,” or “Damn those horny loser teachers that can’t get sex from people their own age.” Watching the news, for me, is an anti-aphrodisiac. I am SO NOT in the mood for romance after the 10 o’clock news about some sexual predator prowling the city. Listening to me as I watch the news is not exactly a turn-on for my husband either.
• Then we move on to Just Wait Til You Hear What Happened Next teasers. I hate that. Just tell me already! And sometimes, they don’t show it until the very end of the newscast. Ratbastards.

So my friend, watching the news speeds up the age-clock. Yes, it’s important to know current events, but unless it’s truly pressing or high-impact for your immediate situation, don’t do it. I scan the newspaper everyday and will absorb the relevant stories. But it depresses me to read about a guy who kills off his entire family, or about the injustices all around the world, so I just skim through the rest of it like a cyborg and then determine whether I can just purge the data from my RAM when I power down for my nap.

4) Do the Cupid Shuffle away from the TV and computer and get some oxygen in your cells. I hate to “work out” but there are other ways to get some exercise in during the day.

After seeing that Disney movie “Jump In”, I brought in some ropes to work and got co-workers (in their late 40’s) to try to double-dutch with me. It was hilarious, too bad it wasn’t on video. I think we got more aerobics from tripping and laughing our asses off than from actually jumping-rope. And then I had to call it quits early because my pants kept falling down with every jump.

5. Quit smoking and moderate your drinking and eating. I know you’re thinking, “Jeebus, Marissa. Quit nagging me.” Hey, I can only give you the weapons to fight the fogey, but if you want to go bare-handed, against the claws of the Geriatric Geezer THAT’S COMING TO GET YOU, have at it.

6. Take care of your physical appearance. When people talk about staying young, most of the emphasis is on looking younger, via cosmetics and surgery. In fact, when I Googled variations of “staying young,” the results were page after page of sites peddling age-defying treatments, herbs, lotions, and voodoo tricks. Keep it simple and save your recession-thin wallet from further anorexia. Just be clean and smell fresh. Be crisp, pressed, and alert (add wrinkle-release and basically you’re all the buttons on a dryer.)

I know a 75 year-old man, Mr. Bay, who volunteers at the police department and he always comes in looking tall, impeccably sharp and handsome. You can tell he was careful about his appearance even in his youth; he proved me right when he brought in some old photos. Mr. Bay is youthful in his attitude and sense of humor. He acts the part; he looks the part.

We’re going to get old, no matter what. The point is to do it gracefully, so that people who know you through the years will tell you, “Man, you never age!” (It’s a great compliment, but don’t think you don’t have to work for it.)

7. Flirt with older people. Say what?! I know, it’s seems counter-intuitive, but let me explain how this tactic is mutually beneficial. But first, let me define “older.” Older is 30 years greater than your age. But use caution — it can have grave repercussions. Here I’m thinking about Anna Nicole Smith and that raisin-y billionaire (ughhh, shivers). Or even Eddie Murphy’s unethical character “Marcus” in the movie Boomerang and how he maneuvers around Eartha Kitt’s Lady Eloise.

Okay, so you get the idea what we DON’T want to happen. Back to flirting with the elderly.

Trust me on this: Old people will warm up to you when you let them talk about their past. And then you have to tease them about it. For example, you might say, “Oh come on, I know you raised alot of hell in your youth.” Then sit back and watch their eyes twinkle as they reflect on their younger days. I did that with Mr. Bay. He let out such a sudden, creepy, loud guffaw that it startled me. And for a split-second I wondered if in his youth, he was a serial rapist. But not my Mr. Bay. I adore him.

So how does mingling with the old folks keep you younger? Well, WITH ALL DUE RESPECT, everyone feels younger next to a senior citizen. Sorry – no great revelation there. Just know this, old people have valuable stories and lessons for the younger generations. Give them a chance to tell their life. When you start hearing about what kind of adversities, and even atrocities, they had to overcome, you’ll feel like an idiot for worrying about your receding hairline. Enough said.

8. Stop rushing. The fastest way to get old and cranky is to road-rage through your day. Stop going for pole-position on the freeway. We run errands like we’re trying to win a scavenger hunt: pick up the dry-cleaning, grab groceries, round up the kids, collect the mail.

Slow down. Observe the world around you and savor the experience of being alive. Listen for laughter, watch for funny things as they happen.

Try any combination of these techniques to combat the daily ravages on your psyche. Be an example to the younger generations by taking life easy from now on. You’ve earned it, right? And someday they’ll be asking you to tell them stories about your wild past, then you’ll get that mischievous twinkle in your eyes.

Related Posts:
Everybody Says They Want to Stay Young, But…
5 Double-Dog Dares For You
How Old is the Real You?