WhaHappen?

Here’s a tip if you should find yourself in an unflattering orange jumpsuit in front of a judge: Use the services of a Public Defender. If you still naively decide to act as your own attorney (“pro per” or “pro se”), against the advice of seasoned experts, such as Robert Blake, at the very least you should have access to a good old-fashioned dictionary.

I was sitting through a hearing the other day where said pro per Jumpsuit-Wearer and part-time narcotics-possessor informed the Court that he would need a COSMETOLOGIST in order to prepare for his case. The Bailiff’s eyebrows instantly furrowed. Simultaneously, the Clerk snapped his attention towards the defendant and gave that “Whatcha talkin’ ’bout Willis?” look. The Court Reporter stopped typing, tilted her head and squinted her eyes at The Handcuffed One, and stared at his hair. I, of course, in true form, start convulsing at the shoulders in an attempt to fight back the volcanic giggle-spew.

The perplexed Judge patiently asked Mr. Defendant, “And wha-… what do you think a cosmetologist will be able to do for you?”

To which he answers, “In order to, you know, test the stuff in the lab. You know, the chemist.”

Of course, we then all collectively nod in total enlightenment as the Judge pronounces that the Defendant is actually in need of a TOXICOLOGIST. So there you go. You might still decide to represent yourself in a criminal case — because you believe that anything taught in law school could just as easily be tutored to you by a cellmate named Bubba (who will undoubtedly expect you to pay “tuition”). But first figure out whether, in order to proceed with your case, you need a perm, highlights and a facial, or a trained lab expert in the testing of narcotics evidence. That critical preparation can make a difference of 1 to 5 years.

And now – another public service announcement. Brought to you by the “Scratch ma’nuts” folks.

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