I took this photo from the patio of my office building. That’s Los Angeles City Hall in the center and the Criminal Courts Building, one of the courthouses that I frequent, is to the far right. My serious job and the Civic Center surroundings should inspire utmost professionalism in me. So why is it that the dorky-ness that I’ve been cursed with since my elementary school days continues to hobble me? Is there like a 12-step program to overcome this affliction? Embarrassing things always happen to me.
For example:
Walking Fail: When my 2-inch heel got caught in a crack at the busy intersection of Temple Street and Spring. In front of billions of stopped cars, I took a step and a half forward in one bare left foot before I had to reverse-and-retrieve my shoe, and casually pretend like I meant to do that. I heard people laughing in their cars (that’s what I would’ve done).
Umbrella Fail: Two weeks ago in the rain, I knew my umbrella would collapse outward in the wind. I was so worried it would happen, that it happened, just like The Secret said it would if I kept thinking about it. I heard some people walking behind me laughing (see parenthesis above).
And then – the coup de grace of humiliation – the day the evil elevator mauled me with unrelenting ferocity in front of a dozen zombies.
Date: January 29, 2009
Location: Van Nuys Superior Court, San Fernando Valley, California
Victim: one dorky briefcase-carrying female, early 40′s, wearing a boring, conservative gray suit
Suspect: one demonic elevator determined to disembowel its prey
Injuries Sustained: bruised ego
It’s routine for me to jauntily strut into an open elevator just before it closes, knowing that they’re rigged to sense motion and thus will happily welcome any late-comers. This time, just as I was half-inside, the doors ominously continued to close. I instinctively reached out with my left hand to halt the steel jaws, but it didn’t stop.
So I’m standing there struggling and twisting my trapped right shoulder to free myself, while using my left hand to hold the other door at bay. It wouldn’t give up. I swear it was the same exact sensation as arm-wrestling, where you’re not gaining any ground but your opponent is also not tiring out. Meanwhile, about 12 clearly unsympathetic people inside the elevator were just standing there, bored and blankly staring at me fighting for my life – for what felt like hours.
And it was noisy too, with all my grunting, convulsing and banging my briefcase around in the struggle. Those motionless Stepford people had no compassion whatsoever. I’m telling you, you would not want those people on your jury.
If I had the presence of mind, instead of gurgling a plea for help, I should’ve whipped out my cellphone and taken a picture of those soul-less creatures with their dead eyes, for proof of zombies among us. But since you’re not allowed to take pictures in any courthouse, I would’ve then been tackled to the ground by beefy, corn-fed deputies, thus raising my dork status to All-Time High Score.
Finally, I was able to free myself and I mumbled something like, “Jeez, you’d think the elevator would just give up and find another victim…” (No response.) Then I took a deep breath, adjusted my contorted suit and smoothed down my messed up hair. I still don’t know which I hated more, The Possessed Elevator or the freakin’ unhelpful jerks that went home that day and SNICKERED when they talked about me getting my ass kicked by one (…and that’s what I would’ve done).
I like to think I’m not the only victim of embarrassing situations or the lone member of the Dorky Kid Club. Anybody else ever find themselves wondering if they’re on Candid Camera?
Related Post:
Looking Good in Court
15 kids playing along so far ↓
1 Joe
// Mar 18, 2009 at 2:54 am
I’d never laugh at you. No matter what (c:
2 Joe
// Mar 18, 2009 at 2:55 am
… well, unless you did something really stupid, then I’d laugh at just about anybody… I’m that way..
3 Jim @ CoolStuffForDads.com
// Mar 18, 2009 at 4:42 am
The elevator story is a classic. Thank kinda stuff happens to me also. Sometimes I think I should be walking around with a big “L” on my forehead.
Jim @ CoolStuffForDads.com’s last blog post..Classic Toaster Products
4 ReformingGeek
// Mar 18, 2009 at 7:00 am
Sounds like me. I walked into a sliding glass door at a party at the home of a guy I had a crush on and his parents saw me. I don’t remember where he was. I was looking for the ground to swallow me.
ReformingGeek’s last blog post..Caption Winner Announced!
5 Old School
// Mar 18, 2009 at 8:01 am
Can’t believe those people just stood there and watched! I could not imagine seeing someone struggling like that and not trying to help in some way.
Old School’s last blog post..Back to the 80s: Preview Review – Say Anything… – Kickin’ it Old School
6 marissa
// Mar 18, 2009 at 12:25 pm
Joe: That’s okay. If I can’t even laugh at myself, then…other people will be sure to. Also, what would you consider REALLY stupid (because there’s a chance I’ve already done it).
Jim: Heheheh. Yep, me too on the “L”. (Glad I’m not alone.)
ReformingGeek: LOL. The old running-into-the-glass-door trick. When my cat Trixie does that, she doesn’t seem the least bit embarrassed. She just starts licking herself. Hey now that’s an idea!
Old School: Yep, it was so bizarre. All they had to do was push the “open” button. That elevator photo up there almost depicts how it looked to me, but they were even MORE bored-looking and apathetic.
7 Chris
// Mar 18, 2009 at 9:35 pm
Oh I hate those possessed little elevators. I would have turned around to those helpful people in the elevator and muttered something like … “Phew … that was tough … I’m so glad you guys were there to … stand there and look like … wow, you guys look terrible, did you just fight with the elevator too?”
Then I’d kick them in the shin. Or at least give them evil stares. But I’m immature and I don’t wear a suit to work.
Chris’s last blog post..Thumbtack my Thursday
8 C
// Mar 18, 2009 at 10:39 pm
hi. just browsing your blog and i saw SNIGLETS in your side bar. OHMYGOD. when i was in high school i had every book published of them. my friends and i made up so many of them. they were SO cool. are there STILL sniglet books out there.? you are the first person i have even seen on here, mention them. (1973)
thank you!
C
9 marissa
// Mar 18, 2009 at 11:54 pm
Chris: Yeah! I should’ve kung fu’d all of them for not helping a sister out – but I was too tired from getting an ass whoop’n.
C: Thanks for coming by. I floated over to your site after seeing your comment on 70s-Child (“Joe”). (Love your site BTW and thanks for letting me rant on it.)
I used to have the books too. Here’s a link to a quick YouTube video of Rich Hall giving a few Sniglets. I like “aquadexterous.”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kSmdwMu-ovU
I was a big fan of Not Necessarily the News, which is the first time I heard of Sniglets. This is a link to a sample of the show.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NlRTPWd3sbs
10 grannyann
// Mar 19, 2009 at 9:08 am
You should have said something out loud like “sure glad my pet snake didn’t get out of my briefcase” or “I was afraid my stink bomb would go off when I was swinging my briefcase.”
anything to make them think “oh s____ I should have helped her.”
grannyann’s last blog post..Have You Got Green On????
11 marissa
// Mar 19, 2009 at 12:32 pm
Hhahahah! Yeah – stink bomb! I should have let one rip in the elevator alright. That would’ve been good payback.
12 dani
// Mar 19, 2009 at 3:53 pm
Who laughed ? I’ll whoop their asses, just tell me where they live or at least where their car is parked at ?
dani’s last blog post..Success !!!! and an Interview ….
13 marissa
// Mar 19, 2009 at 5:46 pm
Dani: Thanks for stopping by! I’m so happy everyone’s got my back on this one. Next time I’m in a fight, I’m bringing all my online friends.
Umm…we’d probably have to gather in a centralized location in the U.S., like – Kansas! (Do we know anyone in Kansas?)
14 Chris
// Mar 19, 2009 at 11:53 pm
No – I don’t know any Kansas people. Can I just say I’m uncomfortable with the idea of meeting in Kansas. Something about witches and hurricanes and twisters that doesn’t bode well.
Let’s go for Utah.
Chris’s last blog post..A Friday collision with the silly rat race
15 marissa
// Mar 20, 2009 at 8:26 am
LOL. Of course, what was I thinking. We will posse up in UTAH! (And Toto too.)
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